On Releasing from the External Validation + Exclusivity + Enoughness Ven Diagram
Here’s a picture of a really famous DJ that I captured at a party on Friday night.
I immediately wanted to post it onto IG stories.
The line was gonna be something like, ‘tonight we dance.’
A totally meaningless phrase.
…cause the intention wasn’t to bring meaning.
…the intention was (actually) to make ‘you’ feel a thing, so that I could feel a thing.
I wanted to feel cool (enough) / included (enough) / wanted (enough) — and the way I do that, is by letting you know that I was given access to something exclusive.
I was ‘chosen’.
A declaration of enoughness.
I portray myself a certain way, you judge that accordingly, and I feel better about myself.
→ Such. A. Bad. Plan. ←
Instead — I’m putting these words together, to examine that relationship, to be aware of it, to know and feel the urge, and to forgive that part of me that (still) seeks the external.
And also — I feel called to tell you some truths ‘bout the night. Which was that my dress wouldn’t stay up cuz I’ve gained 5 lbs, and I kept wanting to cover up my body, feeling aware of its fullness. Someone I’d hooked up with last summer (and genuinely liked cuz he’s great), shared he’d just bought a new house overlooking the ocean w his new partner. Apparently it’s a really, really nice house. I was seated behind a column and couldn’t actually see anything that was happening from the stage, the Siberia of seats in a pecking order that was ranked according to net worth and connections.
Which is to say — all that is perfect and beautiful cuz my body is the truth, he wasn’t my guy, and how cool that I had a seat.
It all gets to live together: that desire to feel like we’ve been given access to the ‘special’, and the massive responsibility we have to internally affirm our specialness, whether that comes easily, or is hard-won.
What’s it looking like, for me, in this moment, to affirm it? Put simply: feeling all the sticky, hard, uncomfortable stuff. Pausing, stepping away, letting it all get quiet, going into my body, and *feeling* what’s there to feel. Elegantly simple, and yet I’m so built to avoid doing it.
While I’m in the process of feeling, sometimes I say, ‘its safe to feel that here.’ When I’m ready to come out, I keep myself there at least 1, if not 3 beats longer. That also ‘helps’. Its not easy. But it feels healthy.
…and if any of this resonates, I’d love to hear in what way.
Here’s some questions on this theme for you, if you feel called to explore further:
- Where / from what / from whom — do you seek affirmation? Why there?
- How do you self-define? How do you know?
- What’s your current relationship to enoughness?
Feel free to email me responses if you feel called to share: allie@equanimityequation.com
