On saying it all [in dating].
I’ve been in early days of dating soooo many times. Its not been, ‘I’ve been in a thing for a year here, another thing for a year there’ — but more like, ‘I’ve been in a lot of 3 week explorations of possibilities that don’t turn out to be the thing’ on rinse n’ repeat.
Call it bad patterning, call it being uncompromising.
I call it (both of those!) AND listening to the truth. Nobody thus far has been the truth. That feels like a blessing — I’m not waking up every day knowing in a deep part of me that I’m not living a lie in order to have ‘the thing’.
It also feels painful: I’d love to have ‘the thing’ — a partnership, a family, a multi-story pre-war brownstone on a tree lined street in Brooklyn.
Something that’s true that I wish were not true: I feel fear that the chance has passed, and it wont be back.
One upside to this reality: I’ve gotten really good at saying alllllll the things. The early days can provide that, cuz its that liminal space between vulnerability and excitement.
Some snapshots of v recent interactions help illustrate the point //
I was at a play party last Friday. I ended up in an (MDMA-induced) deep connection w someone. My draw toward him came after a verbal check-in (something borrowed from years of being in women’s group) — aka a read out of what was internally alive as we were entering the situation.
Tho a play party isn’t where you’d expect to be doing read-outs of what’s alive in one’s body and heart — there I was, giving one and asking for one in turn. When he met mine with depth and articulation — my full being pulled towards him.
Fast forward to 5am, and it was time for me to go home. I asked him if he’d be open to us ‘checking out’
It felt *really hard* to do — but I found the words for an experience of anxiousness I was having: I watched myself leave being present w him, to portal to this future-based anxiety of whether we’d speak again, whether the connection had any meaning, whether there’d be ‘more’. I felt stupid, like a 16-year old afraid of rejection. I spoke to that too. I owned it all.
In this instance — he met it really beautifully — reflected and validated the feelings.
That doesn’t always happen.
I encourage sharing anyway.
On a different vibe, there was a recent online dating sitch that also called on me to say the things — there’s actually been like 5 — but I’m using this one cause it illustrates a point relatively quickly.
Up front: when it comes to any dating dynamic — be it an online or IRL connect — I try *really hard* never to ghost / leave a thing hanging. Sometimes it just straight up slips, and that’s ok. But I see the online dating space as a playground on which I practice — using my words, speaking my truth, saying what can feel hard to say — cuz for better or worse the stakes feel low.
So enter Adam. I’ve made it clear when it comes to digi-dates (what I call online connects) that I don’t do in-person meet ups unless there’s been a FaceTime first (DM me if you wanna know more bout the process cause lord knows I’ve got a lot to say on it). Adam has missed the time we’d set to FT (twice), and now he’s pushing for an in-person. He’s leaving town soon and he wants me to pop over to the park to meet him and his dog. Its simple — they’re just a couple blocks away. I could do it, and part of me is compelled cause he’s asking.
I don’t go, cause he’s jumping over what I’ve asked — for a FaceTime — and cause holding onto feeling like I’m protecting / honoring me comes first. Moreover, now none of it feels particularly good, and I know I’m not interested in any kinda further contact. Alas — instead of letting it all slide into the ether of lost, vague, embryonic digi-connections — I drop a 2 minute and 30 second voice note bringing full transparency to my process and my experience.
Its a haul of words. Every time, its a haul.
Over time, it’s gotten easier.
The more I feel toward someone, the harder it is to own the experiencing.
I own it anyway.
I’ve found that for as much work as it is — there’s deep rewards, and its a really good litmus test: men are either like, ‘yes, this is what I’ve been wanting to find’ — or its a hard ‘no’.
All that is great information.
Cuz I’m here for spaces where I can say it all — and for potential partners who can say it all, too.
When it comes to ‘saying it all’ — here’s some things I’ve learned about approach:
- If I’m gonna drop a share that has depth — I ask permission first. It allows receiver to acclimate and feel prepared;
- I describe my experience — what’s alive physically, what’s alive emotionally, what thoughts are present;
- I try to jump over the urge to hide the from the shadow/wound/shame that’s present. I go towards, vs away, from those;
- I avoid blaming + finger pointing of any kind;
- I ‘cop’to’ if/when I’ve done something that I feel I should own/apologize for;
- I state what I need or want back; for instance, I might say, “I don’t feel a need for you to do anything but affirm that you’ve received this.”
Here’s some questions for you, if the theme of ‘saying it all’ resonates //
- What’re you holding back saying? If you’ve got a sense — why’re you holding it back?
- What truth are you ready to own? Why that one?
If you feel called to share your responses, I’d love to receive. Email ’em to me → allie@equanimityequation.com
